So it’s officially that time of the semester again where the assignments, quizzes, tests, presentations and endless introspection kick in. I honestly am not quite sure how I’ll manage the upcoming week, but I can tell you that I was stuck in a rut a week ago even before the pandemonium unleashed. Caught in the hecticity of the moment, I tried to work everything out on my own and I mentally averted the notion of asking for help. And yes, as preconceived, that didn’t turn out too well. Since then I’ve done a little introspection, as well as address the matter with the important people in my life, and fair enough, I don’t find myself as uptight as I was the previous week.
The first wave of academia hit me this week with the execution of a 2-minute presentation for interpersonal comm, a microscopic biology laboratory observation, a Biology quiz and a film studies test, all in sequential order. Moreover, the load was complemented by a sense of insecurity that pervaded my psyche and that proved to be a nuisance in this week. It was all pretty unnecessary though because things were fairly alright, and it was all magnified via the complexities of my mind. Needless to say, I wasn’t too anchored to the phase for too long and soon I got back to being my assertive self once more.
Apart from my diminishing loyalties toward the demanding intelligentsia, I had the grand opportunity last week to catch up with Natalie. She was back from Sydney during her two week break and we spent some time together at the movies and filling each other in about life. Philosophical queries and introspective deductions soon filled in the void between the conjuring and retelling of past stories, drawing time closer and closer towards us. 2 hours passed by pretty quickly and soon I had to adjourn home. I also got to spend a little bit more time with her last Sunday at church right before she returned to Sydney that night.
Frankly, I’m really grateful for Natalie. There aren’t many people I can open up to and display most (not all) of my facades to, but Nat’s really one of those people I know I can talk to and share stuff with, knowing that I won’t be judged and that every word will enter her ears. She listens. She responds. She understands. And I listen. I respond. And I fathom, or at least try to. It’s such a rarity these days to have people you can communicate with at this level, and I’m just really fortunate that I have a friend, if that’s an adequate term to describe it.
Having delved this deep, I’ve come to realize that I have a general sense of distrust or disdain for most people. I often seek attachment to particular people, most of which I never achieve. And yet when the opportunity arises and opposite parties show an inclination to elevate bonds from acquaintances into friends, or close friends, I pull away. I am always taken aback when I get too close to people, and often, I just walk out of that relationship. I insist upon myself that it was a mistake and that people just got too close for comfort, and I instantly regret showing that specific facade to them. I always get so afraid when I talk about myself. Vulnerability simply appalls me, and I find it difficult to empathize on account of that.
It isn’t something I like either. I don’t know how much further I have to tread or how much longer I’d have to wait, but I’m hoping I’ll look past it all and finally be able to let go somehow.