sweet nothing

It’s been three days since I’ve entered into a relationship now. There is new found joy as I undertake this new chapter of my life, but simultaneously, I’m also ensconced in this uncertainty about the matters pertaining to it.

So I was conversing on Whatsapp with a friend of mine from church, who is serving with me as well in the youth ministry and I told her about was happening - I had fallen in love with a guy who seemed to have fit into the description of what I had in mind of my ideal life partner and am now officially in a relationship with him. Initially, she appeared pretty nonchalant about what I was taking on so I simply told her I wasn’t going to enlighten my parents about him until I felt it was the right moment. She figured I knew what I was getting myself into and that I knew what had to be made into a priority first, so she deliberately agreed with my stance.

However, a few hours after we ended our Whatsapp conversation, I received another message from her, albeit a longer one. As I scrolled up and briefly eyed the content of the message, I realized it was going to be a rather contradictory one - quite preachy, so to say. And then it struck me.

She advised me earnestly as a sisterly figure to convey my relationship to my parents. Contrary to what she had nonchalantly agreed with earlier, my friend simply told me that it was important to get parents’ blessings in a relationship, if I were to take it seriously. If not, I should cease all emotional and romantic dealings with this person I am supposedly in love with, for dire consequences will arise as a result of making this decision. As I was incredible exhausted last night, I switched my phone off and went straight to bed, hoping to ignore such challenging queries for the time being.

But as I regain consciousness and slipped out of my state of slumber this morning, my friend’s Whatsapp last night instantly returned to permeate my conscience. After consistently reenacting various possible scenes as to how my boyfriend would react to the prospect and how my parents would behave if they chose to condone my decision and vice versa, sense and sensibility eventually won the battle. I finally told God that I would do it. I would let His will be done, and not mine.

It isn’t an easy decision to make. In fact, I’m still not sure how I’m going to relay this matter to him. I’m already beginning to prepare for the possibility of refusal and even the possibility of an end to a beginning. I utterly told myself I’d judge a man not from his appearance, but from his character. Perhaps the opportunity has risen, and it is time for me to see beyond the surface. I trust God and I want to know what He thinks.

So there, I’m taking this step. I’m still not sure how my parents will react though, even if my boyfriend agrees to it. But we’ll see. If I have to let this relationship go to preserve the prevalence of my own family in my life, I SIMPLY WILL.

Yeah, that pretty much sums up everything. I miss you. But I’m glad you’ll be back tomorrow and we can see each other through the night (I’d like to thank the creators of the internet and the webcam respectively for that). I still don’t know what this is, but anything’s fine as long as I get to see you smile.

So it appears as if my literary haven is no longer safe to reveal personal information about myself as my pursuer now reads it. I find it rather awkward having to post anything regarding my life on it and occasionally I feel as if I should start a new blog so I can rant all I want without being intercepted. But I know it is a futile exercise for peculiar reasons, so I’ll just talk about it here.

It’s strange, not being the one who is in the pursuit of someone else and instead being the one in pursuit of. It’s a really peculiar experience, yet breath taking at the same time. I would have accepted the offer and proceeded to delve myself completely into this experience sooner, but I know it isn’t that simple. It’s not a matter where both parties just have to like one another. It’s a matter of odds. And right now, it doesn’t seem like a suitable time to pursue a relationship.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in so long. I could have jumped right into something to easily and have it taken care of by time, but I know better. I just don’t think it’s worth risking my heart for a guy I barely even know. Sure, we talk and all that, but that’s just it. I cannot begin a relationship without first knowing a person for an extended period of time, even though this person appears to be everything I have been waiting for all my life. I simply cannot. And I’m glad I haven’t thrown myself off the cliff, because I’ve discovered so many things regarding this person in a matter of days and I can only say that it isn’t pleasant to hear them.

As of now, all I can do is trust God to write this story for me. I can always blog about odds or favour or even feelings but my destiny isn’t written by me. It’s written by Him.